Domestic and Sexual Violence Resource Center

Breaking the Silence on Domestic Violence

You think someone you know is being abused.  How can you help? 

Domestic Violence A pattern of abusive behaviors used by one individual intended to exert power and control over another individual in the context of an intimate relationship. The abuse may include physical, emotional or sexual abuse, threats, intimidation, isolation and using children.

What is abuse? - A Warning List

Many victims  don't think of themselves as "abused" They may not think of themselves as "battered." Many victims don't see the things their partners do to  them as abusive, and they don't see them as a pattern. Abuse is about control. It is one person scaring another person into doing what he wants her to do. It is not just one hit. It is a pattern. Abuse can be physical, emotional, sexual, economic. It can also be criminal. It is usually a whole series of behaviors used to get and keep control. Here is a list of questions for you to ask yourself. You don't need to answer "yes" to all of them to have been abused.

Why does a battered victim  stay?

• People often wonder, "Why, if the victim is still getting  abused   doesn't the victim just leave?" There are many compelling reasons why a victim  may stay in an abusive relationship.
• The victim  may be financially dependent on the abuser (could not pay rent somewhere alone).
• The victim  may have children who are also financially and emotionally dependent upon the abuser.
• The victim  may have nowhere else to go.
• The victim may be paralyzed with fear due to threats. Example: "If you try to leave, I'll kill you."
• The victim  knows leaving is often a very dangerous decision.
• The victim  has experienced ' victim blaming' - many people and agencies in the victim’s  community trivialize or subtlety blame the victim  for the abuse.
• The victim hopes things will change

Has your partner ever….

• Hit, grabbed, choked, bitten, burned, slapped or pushed you?
• Used a gun or knife or some kind of weapon against you?
• Hit you with some object like a bat or pan or belt? 
• Hit, held or squeezed you so hard that it left a bruise? 
• Threatened to hurt or to kill you or your children or other family members?
• Withheld money, or food or medicine or transportation from you?
• Called you names, made your feel ashamed of yourself, humiliated you?
• Put you down in front of your children, your friends, your co-workers?
• Forced you to have sex when you did not want to?
• Forced you to perform sexual acts you did not want to?
• Destroyed or broken your possessions?
• Threatened to harm or kill himself if you do or don't?

Who are the Abusers?

Just like victims, there are not "typical" abusers. Anyone can be an abuser. On the surface, abusers may appear to be good providers, loving partners and law-abiding citizens, but their abusive behavior toward their victims can lead to severe injury and even to murder. Although both men and women can be abusers, approximately 95% of abusers are men.
Abuse is often a learned behavior. The tendency to use abuse as a control tactic is often reinforced by men's socialization and peer pressure to be 'macho' and in control. The person who uses any form of violence to control or manipulate a partner often has low self-esteem, may refuse to accept responsibility for the violence, and may believe the violence is justified. Often the abuser will attempt to rationalize or excuse the behavior or blame the victim for causing it. There is no excuse for violent and abusive behavior. Violence is against the law and is always a choice.